Handcuffedlightning

IT'S RACIST PEOPLE

2007-04-12T17:28:00.000+10:00

Ok, I know that I am a) a pedant and b) have raised similar issues before, but WTF IS WITH PEOPLE USING THE WORD 'RACIAL' WHEN THEY MEAN RACIST???

The New York Times today described Don Imus' sacking thus: 'NBC News Drops Imus Show Over Racial Remark'.

Racial slur - fine. But calling something a 'racial remark' is first, bizarrely obtuse, if not entirely meaningless and second, chickening out. There's a strong argument to be made that 'nappy headed hos' is actually racist (in fact, I think it's a laydown misere). I suspect that's what the New York Times is saying. But why the hell don't they just come out with it?

"I think hot girls are tremendous*"

2007-04-01T12:27:00.000+10:00

There is pretty much nothing to say about the Pussycat Dolls, McG and Geffen, that Lisa De Moraes hasn't said first and better.

But, not to go into Simone De Beauvoir here for a second, it is unfortunate that on this occasion, the debate about what young women should be aspiring to is being conducted on both sides by a bunch of middle aged men. Sure, they are citing their 17 year old daughters in support. But where are the 17 year old daughters themselves?

To paraphrase McG (and frankly, I hope that it's the last time I ever do such a thing) - You must understand the fundamental paradox of gentlemen of their age demo having this very debate.

*I'm just not sure that they are qualified to speak on their own behalf.

Today's blog is courtesy of my housemate

2006-05-23T15:02:00.000+10:00

In their exclusive $2.7 million interview with Channel 9, one of the Beaconsfield mining survivors said that he had a new outlook on life following the disaster and he was now going to 'spend less time going out shooting roos and spend more time with the family.'

My housemate has asked a very good question: why doesn't he just take the family roo shooting?

OK, I know I said I wouldn't bag out Dan Brown anymore

2006-05-16T17:04:00.000+10:00

But is this really a ringing endorsement for a book?

It [the Da Vinci Code] doesn't read well as a novel but it reads well as an encyclopedia.

Hmmph. If you want history with your fiction, there is nothing wrong with Joseph Heller, people.

Right-o. I'll get off my soapbox now.

A cheap shot but ...

2006-05-10T11:14:00.000+10:00

how would they know?

America's funniest home terrorists

2006-05-05T16:58:00.000+10:00

I don't know if it's frightening or amusing that the notion of out-takes is so thoroughly engrained in our consciousness that they are now being used by governments to discredit videos by terrorists.

Brainteasers

2006-04-28T17:56:00.000+10:00

THis post rEpresents a shout out to JUDGE SmIthy, who haS brought billAble hours in LoNdon law firms to an Effective standstill by inseRting a message in coDe into his judgment on Dan Brown's 'The Da Vinci Code' . All hail to anyone who could derive any entertainment out of that book, I say. I am normally able to enjoy reading the back of a cornflakes box, but that book defeated me. Why on earth was it so popular?

In other legal news of the day (albeit less newsworthy), I had a meeting this morning somewhere in a small developing country about training for new lawyers. We were discussing a draft training schedule, and all was going swimmingly, until we got to the two days allocated to contract drafting. The most senior lawyer in the room stopped the meeting. He wasn't sure about the relevance of the training. What was a contract? Did lawyers need to know about them?

Law. It's a varied profession.

Yup, that's how to run foreign policy

2006-04-11T14:20:00.000+10:00

The impression I get from reading reports of the last couple of days of the Cole inquiry is that everyone at the government seems to have been asleep at the wheel over the whole AWB thing.

But if this report is accurate, it's difficult to see why you'd even bother to have an intelligence program:

David Stuart, first assistant secretary of Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade's international security division, also admitted yesterday that raw intelligence from spy agencies was passed to various officers but he couldn't say whether they read it.

The information was classified as "secret" or "top secret" or "code word" and put into sealed bags, before being delivered to officials with the appropriate security clearance.
[...]
Mr Stuart said DFAT received around 1000 items of raw intelligence a week, many of them multiple pages in length.

Staff may not make copies, and there is no way of telling who read what, since the system of receipts was changed last year.

He said staff tend to "skim or skip" over documents.

Raw intelligence is carried around in sealed bags "and if recipients choose to open the bags, they may do so".

However, no record is kept of whether locked bags are opened.

Mr Stuart said DFAT did not have records of who read what, or when, or whether the information was useful to them.

In the present environment, we are constantly told that there are grave threats to our national security and that the government's role is to maintain vigilance. And yet, the government's intelligence program seems to be like the tree falling in the forest. If nobody hears, did it really happen?

Surely, we have the right to ask for more from our government.*

*apologies to readers for irregular blogging - I have moved overseas. Hopefully, I'll return, but this blog might change a bit.

Hey children what's that sound

2006-03-05T18:49:00.000+11:00

3 observations about noise:

1) Recently, John Howard identified one of his favourite songs, Walk of Life by Dire Straits. The lyrics bear closer examination. Suffice it to say that

Here comes Johnny and he'll tell you the story/ Hand me down my walkin' shoes/ Here come Johnny with the power and the glory/ Backbeat the talkin' blues/ He got the action, he got the motion/ Yeah, the boy can play/ Dedication devotion ... And after all the violence and double talk/ There's just a song in the trouble and the strife/You do the walk, you do the walk of life ...

Art (of sorts) imitates life (of a political survivor). Happy 10th anniversary of power, Johnny.

2) The word onomatopoeia does not sound anything like what it means.

3) Yoko Ono has given Amnesty International the rights to John Lennon's solo songbook. Artists like the Black Eyed Peas, The Postal Service, The Cure and Snow Patrol have recorded versions of the songs, which are available for download at Amnesty's website. Get amongst it. Maybe music can change the world.

Much ado about zero

2006-02-22T17:43:00.000+11:00

I am kinda slow, but I just caught on to the whole zeromovement controversy. To promote their new 'real men don't drink diet coke (but do watch their abs)' product, Coke created a faux blog with a new manifesto. It went something like this:

Have you ever looked at the world and asked why? Why do the fun things in life have to come with negative consequences? Consequences that hold us back. Limit us. Stop us from living full liberated lives. Welcome to the zero movement. A movement born from deciding to no longer live by other's expectations. A movement born to rid the world of all the negative stuff that limits us.
....
What if we could be free of limits?What if we could live without negative consequences?Why do we have to settle? Why can't we unsettle? Why can't relationships come with a gap year?Why can't big nights come with zero morning afters? Why can't pay increases come with responsibility decreases? Why can't we have a sick of work day? Why can't life be this simple?

Apparently, the controversy took off because people thought Coke was trying to appropriate left wing political ideals to further its own agenda (I am paraphrasing the Big Issue here). Now, there's a lot that's wrong with that, if it was the aim. I won't even address it here.*

But here's what I don't understand. Was Coke really trying to win lefties over with the revolutionary vision of pay increases with responsibility decreases and big nights with zero morning afters? Did the marketing geniuses behind the campaign expect that anyone would really believe that a nascent political movement of disenfranchised individuals would take out paid ads on billboards and the internet to tip off other potential members?

I guess what I'm saying is, this seems to be a storm in a teacup. I don't think anyone needs to lie awake at night thinking about how the left could have been before Coke intervened, because I can't imagine the website diverted the energy of people who'd otherwise be going to anti-war rallies (for example). Sure, it's cynical, cheap and meaningless advertising - and it insults its demographic, if the young, techno-savvy left really is the demographic - but therein lies its own downfall. If you're dumb enough to think that the zero movement has provided a blue print for how the world should be, then maybe Coke Zero is the drink for you. And rather than getting too excited about it, maybe we should be thinking about the stuff we can change - rather than the asinine attempts of major companies to cash in on political enthusiasm.

*Before I go any further, I'll mention that the first source for articulate criticism of Coke's marketing strategy is a blog set up by people who were pretty pissed off about the campaign.

The spirit of the games?

2006-02-20T20:33:00.000+11:00

Unfortunately, I am not going to be able to illustrate my point here - because of a well founded fear of being done for copyright and trade mark infringement - but has anyone else noticed that the logo for the Commonwealth games appears to depict one stick figure kicking the other in the groin and the kick-ee (so to speak) recoiling in agony?

This has been perplexing me for some time now. I'm not big into sports myself (surprising, I know), but I wouldn't have thought focussing on the perils of contact sport was an obvious angle for marketing Melbourne's biggest moment since 1956 ...

In other news from the sporting field, my father is still furiously scanning the sports section every day after the alarming announcement by Mark Nicholas that Ricky Ponting was 'literally on fire'.* No news yet on spontaneous combustions at the SCG, but if there are any further updates, you'll hear it here first.

*Yes indeed. Pedantry is genetic.

An open letter to Dick Smith

2006-02-13T20:55:00.000+11:00

This post is simulcast on Glutbusters, and submitted as a letter to the Editor of The Age.

Dear Mr Smith,

We support your efforts to maintain an Australian heritage. Your recent efforts to prevent logging of Tasmania's Recherche Bay, your ongoing dedication to establishing Australian publications like Australian Geographic and the Australian Encyclopaedia and finally your Dick Smith Foods range are valiant attempts to promote a self-sustainable Australian culture and heritage.

Like you, we appreciate the logic that '[t]here are two key reasons to support Australian-owned companies – profits stay in Australia and jobs are created for Australians. If every Australian redirects $10 per week from foreign owned companies and foreign made products to Australian, Australia would save $4 billion per year and create 100,000 new jobs.' And of course, the use of your name and image in connection with these campaigns has indelibly linked you with the Australian made campaign.

But probably the most prominent use of the Dick Smith name and image is by your original business venture, Dick Smith Electronics. The website for Dick Smith Electronics explains the decision to use your name and likeness even after the sale of your business.

It's terrific that, well after the sale, the public still knows your face and associates you with a particular set of values.

Marketing material for Dick Smith Electronics states that 'a team of buyers scour the world looking for suitable products.' The list of brands stocked by Dick Smith indicates that this search is not in vain: the vast majority of brands for sale in DSE outlets is imported. Anecdotally, this observation is borne out by our latest trip to Dick Smith Electronics, to buy a (Chinese-made) DSE-branded stopwatch.

We would be interested to know how you reconcile the use of your name and image (both before and after the sale of your business) to endorse imported electronic products with your ongoing and passionate campaign to promote Australian products.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Peter (Glutbusters) and Clare (HandcuffedLightning)

Here no gags, no gags here

2006-01-27T16:28:00.000+11:00

John Howard said today that burning the flag should not be made a criminal offence because it was an expression of political opinion.

Much as all I despise what they did I do not believe it should be a criminal offence ... I see that kind of thing as just as expression, however offensive to the majority of the Australian community, an expression of political opinion. I do not think we achieve anything by making it a criminal offence - we only turn yahoo behaviour into martyrdom.

It's a commendable sentiment. But where does that leave the man who was sentenced to three month's jail on 13 January for burning a flag in the aftermath of the Cronulla riots?

Happy Survival Day!

2006-01-26T14:05:00.000+11:00

Good to see that John Howard has finally acknowledged in his Australia Day address that all those involved in the Cronulla riots should be ashamed of themselves (although he doesn't think the shame should extend back as far as our attempted genocide of the country's original inhabitants), but I am intrigued by his statement that Australia shouldn't adopt a bill of right because it could be misinterpreted or have unintended consequences. What - people might conclude that they have rights? That'd be radical!

Tag dag

2006-01-26T12:57:00.000+11:00

Hmmph. I have been tagged by Glutbusters, so am playing along. But I am going to break the tagging chain. Sorry Pete.

FOUR JOBS I'VE HAD

1) Tax researcher. I only remembered this one when I googled myself and I found an article about 'skinning the anti-avoidance cat' which I apparently co-authored. The lecturer I worked for was lovely, but he couldn't work without broadway musicals at full volume. I may be the only person (other than him) who associates GST with the soundtrack of Oklahoma.

2) Selling tickets over the phone. Maybe my favourite job ever. My fellow employees made the guys in Clerks look like motivated go-getters. God it was fun. I still harbour dreams of applying for another job there but I've heard nasty rumours that they've since adopted a professional manner.

3) Bar maid in Ireland. Actually, I was something called a lounge girl, which effectively meant drinks waitress. I was terrible. Since then, I've had a deep respect for professional waiters.

4) Corporate lawyer.

FOUR MOVIES I CAN WATCH OVER AND OVER

1) Dirty Dancing. No excuses, no apologies. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

2) Breakfast at Tiffanys. How can such an extended plug for a jeweller be so good? It wouldn't have been the same with Marilyn Monroe as Holly Golightly. The book's great, too. V excited about the new Truman Capote movie, too.

3) Mary Poppins. Sheer brilliance.

4) To kill a mockingbird. The reason I became a lawyer. NB: It's not an accurate portrayal of life in the law. My dog, Scout, who ate 23 Nurofen, had to get her stomach pumped and ended up brain damaged, is named after the narrator. I heart the book too. And Harper Lee is a character in the new Truman Capote film! See 2), above.

FOUR PLACES I'VE LIVED

1) East Melbourne (a block away from the 'G)

2) Blackrock, Dublin (where I met an elvis impersonator/tv critic and writer/ all round good guy)

3) Coogee, Sydney (when I was pretending to be a sydneysider)

4) Newtown, Sydney (when I realised I was really a melbourne girl. I met my favourite cultural commentator of all time there)

FOUR TV SHOWS I LOVE

1) Buffy

2) Sex & the city

3) Margaret and David at the movies

4) The 7:30 Report

FOUR PLACES I'VE BEEN ON HOLIDAYS

1) China

2) Lebanon

3) Cambodia

4) Houseboat on the Murray

FOUR OF MY FAVOURITE DISHES

1) Gado gado

2) Baked ricotta with preserved lemons

3) Pizza for a friend

4) Steak

FOUR SITES I VISIT DAILY

1) The SMH Crossword puzzle

2) www.bloglines.com All my fave blogs in one spot.

3) The Age online (I know it should be the same as the SMH, but it's not - the comparative top ten articles viewed daily tells the story. I don't know why).

4) Google

FOUR PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW

1) On the houseboat (8 days to go)

2) Vientiane (2 months to go)

3) Wiley's baths, Coogee

4) Fitzroy Baths (in fact, I may go there now)

When a picture is worth a thousand words

2006-01-25T11:54:00.000+11:00

Let the games begin!

Someone to watch over my wrinkles

2006-01-23T11:31:00.000+11:00

Us single girls need to have something to dream of. While Katie and Tom are love's young dream, sometimes you just need something a little closer to home. And that's what I really like about this week's 'For Better, For Worse' profile in the Sunday Age. It's about Frank Vella, a 38 year old cosmetic physician and Michelle, his lovely if somewhat impassive 39 year old wife. I'll just excerpt my favourite bits:

Frank says ... At first, she was a bit sceptical about letting me give her Botox. But now I use it in the vertical creases between her eyebrows, in her crows' feet and to sculpt her brow. We'll be having breakfast and she'll say, 'Do you think my Botox has worn off?' so I think she's hooked! [Editor's note: of course, it's difficult to tell, since her expression doesn't change any more]

But if anything, I would say that me giving her Botox has prevented arguments. We get on better because she doesn't have that frown that makes her look angry and unapproachable. In fact, I'd say our relationship has notably improved. [Editor's note: non-cosmetic physicians without ready access to muscle-paralysing injections can of course resort to the expedient box over the head to avoid encountering those tell-tale facial expressions. You don't need to put up with moodiness from your woman!].

Michelle says ... Frank had to talk me into the Botox initially [Editor's note: I wish I'd been a fly on that wall]. But now I think it's great. I'll be forty this year but people tend to think I'm younger. I suppose some women would think I'm lucky because he can just whip the Botox out of the fridge at home! [Editor's note: You said it! Who wants a partner who cooks dinner when you can have a man who cooks up a whole new you! ]

Like they say in the classics, love means never having to change your facial expression (or something). Isn't that tickety-boo! Now I just have to wait (making sure my face stays very, very still) 'til Mr Right comes along!

What has the world come to ...

2006-01-18T16:51:00.000+11:00

... when even the purveyor of the world's most hideous classical muzak doesn't want to be a part of our fair nation?* It's kind of the opposite of Groucho Marx's comment about never wanting to be a member of any club that would have him - to be in a club that Nigel Kennedy doesn't want to be a part of cuts deep.

It's a kick in the teeth our embattled sense of self** really didn't need. Forget the protesters. Forget the polls. Forget the lack of WMDs. Surely this fresh indignity will persuade Johnny to rethink his commitment to Iraq.

* Although he is happy enough to cheer on the Socceroos at the World Cup. Sing while you're winning and all that.
** What our sense of self might actually be is not a question that rewards serious consideration at the moment. Australia at the beach is not a pretty insight into the national psyche.

Newsflash: breakthrough scientific research

2006-01-17T09:32:00.000+11:00

Japan's Institute of Cetacean Research announces a new research project into the longevity of environmental activists.

do ya think i'm sexy

2006-01-01T17:40:00.000+11:00

This may be the only time Shane Warne is accused of having excessive appeal (boom boom).

Happy new year! And remember, Warney loves you (or would offer to if he had your mobile number).

What fresh hell is this?

2005-11-22T14:40:00.000+11:00

As I* was browsing the trade marks register of Australia for fashion tips (as you do), I came up with this tasty trend for summer.

G-STRING JEANS, PEOPLE!!!

Now, I could be wrong about what this means (fashion forecasting on the basis of a logo and its description is always a tricky business). If I am not wrong, people are trying to make a virtue out of the greatest fashion folly of our time, which results from the head-on collision of two fashion trends which have dominated the late nineties and early noughties, the g-string and hipsters.**

All I want to say about this is - just because it's been trade marked, doesn't make it OK.

But just in case, I am staying inside this summer.

*or my friend Caroline. That part is unimportant for the purpose of this anecdote, but props to Caro (who has also noted the entry of visible bra straps into the trade marks register).
** I know it was foreshadowed by the Brownlow catwalk a year or so ago. Still and all.

Art imitates life (or something)

2005-11-21T19:53:00.000+11:00

If you have ever wondered how movie star-turned-politicians make decisions, look no further than their movies. I love ( a little bit, and am a little frightened by) Arnold Schwarzenegger's recap of the recent California special election:*

"If I would do another 'Terminator' movie I would have Terminator travel back in time and tell Arnold not to have a special election"**

And let's face it, Ronald Reagan's career makes a lot more sense if you assume he based it on Hellcats of the Navy . Just look at the review on IMDB:

This one ... arrives late in the post-war genre. Nobody in it is weak. The enemy is dehumanized, the dialogue trite and exhausted, the action scenes shot on the cheap, and the story is twisted, hard to follow, and sometimes pointless. ... The performers do as well as they can under the circumstances, although Nancy Reagan is definitely in the wrong part here. ... The cast has a lot of familiar faces, but none of them memorable because of their having given good performances elsewhere, only memorable because we've seen them so often before.

Let's pray James Earl Jones never enters politics.

*for once, it's about content as well as syntax.
** Yes, I'm aware this isn't immensely topical any more. It takes me a while to catch up on current affairsa

A touchy issue

2005-11-15T11:04:00.000+11:00

More on the 'when apparently innocent words and phrases are deeply wrong' front (an old theme for this blog), there is a sign near my work that troubles me every time I see it. It is for a masseur, and after opening with some new age guff about healing the mind and soul as well as the body, it ends with a line, bold and centred, saying:

you'll be touched.

I understand that being touched is pretty much the whole purposes of massage (except for reiki massage, which is a whole 'nother thing). But somehow, bringing it to the forefront of the mind like that makes it seem like they are offering sexual favours in exchange for cash. What I want to know is, why is it so?

Lest we forget

2005-11-11T10:49:00.000+11:00

This morning, as well as remembering the veterans at 11, I am going to give a quiet minute to remembering the Whitlam government. The first substantial anti-discrimination laws, a start to Aboriginal land rights (which was never fully realised), withdrawal from the Vietnam war, a focus on the environment and lots, lots more.*

Maintain your rage.

*Yes, ok, a terrible track record with money. But Gough's legacy is more than economic.

The chance of a lifetime!

2005-11-07T19:51:00.000+11:00

While the Howard Government are overhauling the industrial relations laws , they are showing a distinct lack of vision about the other ways they could transform workplace culture. Why not follow the lead of the German company who have made smiling at work compulsory?* In the words of a company spokesperson,

Once it was part of the contract, however, our employees really started to think positively.** Mood is an important factor in productivity and everyone here works hard and is happy.

If you wanted to suggest that the draft legislation should be amended to include a provision of that kind (oh, and to express your support for any or all of (1) the abolition of unfair dismissal protection in work places with less than 100 employees, (2) making minimum wages lower and (3) replacing award safety nets with five minimum conditions and (4) generally creating a worker's paradise here in Australia), there's an opportunity to make submissions online to the Senate Committee. So get writing, and let John know you are with him all the way!

* Attentive readers will have realised that a specific provision to this effect will not be strictly necessary. With the changes to unfair dismissal provisions, most employers should be able to sack any unhappy campers, which is probably best for all concerned really. One door closes, etc.

**... about looking for another job (editor's addition)

Tagged

2005-11-02T16:40:00.000+11:00

All right. I have come out of semi-retirement because I was tagged. Here's twenty things about me before I lapse back into silence. I tag Jo of Freeway 9 (who is the person Pete should really try to get blogging again) and Scott of Scott2Bcertain.

1. I play soccer. My dad's the goalie, and my sisters are also on the team. We are onto our seventh season. We have made it into six grand finals. We have lost six grand finals. At the end of last season, we were going to change our name to the Bridesmaids, but the guys on the team vetoed it as too cissy (cause losing six grand finals on the trot is really, like, macho). We are playing our seventh semi on Sunday. I wish I could say I was excited about it.
2. I am a vegetarian for ethical reasons, which I am proud of.
3. The thing that spurred me into being a vegetarian was the Save Toby website, which I am ashamed of (still, it's better to be a vego as a result of reading it than to donate money, which was my initial impulse).
4. I have no interest whatsoever in gardening.
5. I think I may actually be a shopaholic.
6. Janis Joplin's Bobbie McGee is one of my favourite songs. When I was little, my sister told me some wholly mythical (I think) story about how Janis Joplin stole the song from Kris Kristofferson after a messy break up and beat him to the recording studio with it. Even though I'm pretty sure it's a lie, I like the song better because of it. I spoke to Ted Egan recently (yep, all the big names here), and he told me he's recorded a version in Pitjantjara, which perturbs me for a number of reasons.
7. I wish I had one extraordinary talent.
8. I am a word nerd. Yesterday, I texted some people when I found out there was a cafe called Cafe Verb in Flemington, speculating whether it was active. I got a reply back saying that as it was near the train station, it was transitive. This amused me more than it should have.
9. I have two beautiful but exceptionally stupid dogs, one of whom is brain damaged from eating almost a whole packet of Nurofen as a puppy. We had to pump her stomach and keep her on her feet for 5 hours afterwards. I recently had to jump in the Yarra to save her because she liked the idea of swimming, but couldn't figure out how to do it once she was in. It was a five degree day.
10. My family are far and away the most important people in my life. When I think about how much I admire every one of them, I get a little choked up.
11. My other hero is Muhammad Ali. Such amazing grace. Whenever I am in a tough situation, I ask myself what he would have done. The answer is enlightening more often than you'd think.
12. I am a terrible cook. I would like to put this down to a lack of application, but suspect it has to do with a lack of aptitude.
13. I change my mind more than average - about little things (I am a nightmare to eat out with, and have chased more than one waiter back to the kitchen after immediately regretting an order) and about big ones (I thought Latham had just lost the plot when the book came out, and now I am starting to think again, although I think his way of delivering the message was ill thought out). But I tend to only change it once - I don't perpetually vacillate - and there are some issues on which I am the model of constancy (John Winston Howard is pretty much never getting my vote).
14. I have talked about quitting my job pretty much since I started it, in 2001. Secretly, I don't mind it. But it is almost time to move on.
15. I double book social engagements a lot, despite constantly suffering the consequences (and inflicting them on people I love). It's as if I have two separate diaries in my head, and I can't work out how to merge them.
16. I love Rock DJ far, far more than I should.
17. Planning the future is not my forte. Luckily, serendipity has worked well for me in the past but it may be time to start taking a more active role in my own life.
18. My favourite weekend of every year is spent on a houseboat on the Murray with some of my favourite people (including Pete from Glutbusters and his delightful girlfriend, known to the blognoscenti as the Redhead)
19. I have terrible, terrible taste in movies. I love Dirty Dancing (one of my favourite wedding stories is the chick who got her husband to learn all the moves from the dance at the end, including the lift, for their waltz) and I now cry within the first three scenes of Steel Magnolias at the sure knowledge of what's to come.
20. Postcards make me insanely jealous of whoever's travelling, even when they detail travel bugs in bilious detail, but I also love them and demand them from friends, acquaintances and near-strangers. I applied to work overseas after getting the last two (from Salt Lake City and Beijing).

Hmm. I'll be back when I can think of something more meaningful to say about Australian politics than the written equivalent of Edvard Munch.

The war against tooth decay

2005-10-08T13:42:00.000+10:00

Following a hearing test, Bush has come out today with an apology to the people of Iraq and America.

'I thought that God had told me to invade Iraq' Bush sheepishly told the press. 'And actually, it seems like I had a build up of ear wax and the big fella was actually telling me to fight plaque. So, I'm sorry about that, but we'll have the troops out real soon and then we'll be free to attack tooth decay. I'm planning to distribute some free toothbrushes and toothpaste to the people of Iraq, to prove there are no hard feelings.'

The Dental Association of America has not been available to make a comment.

Thanx B 2 God

2005-10-07T10:07:00.000+10:00

So, the Bible Society of Australia has converted the Bible into a series of text messages. For only $8,000-ish (equating to roughly 30,000 text messages) you too can make the grand pilgrimage from Genesis to Revelations all in the privacy of your own phone. Apparently, "[t]he idea is that the Bible can be used and be relevant and up-to-date, just like getting a verse of the day or reading a horoscope."

Although the "translation" is apparently faithful to the grammar of the original, it's unclear whether emoticons have been allowed to work their inimitable magic in bringing the meaning of the parables to the fore (smiting down, plagues of locusts and frogs, and turning wives into pillars of salt would just have so much more impact if they were accompanied with a :-()

Those crazy kids. Clearly, the only reason they haven't been reading the Bible is because it doesn't speak their language. Now that religion is down with the yoof, forget about star signs. It's all about Joshua, Judges, Ruth. And surely it's only a matter of time til the church finds instant messaging: "Get out of that X-rated chat room right away and remember - Jesus loves you!"

Here endeth the lesson.

The reason the Tasmanian Tiger is extinct

2005-10-04T16:53:00.000+10:00

This is a shout out to those rugged environmentalists in Thailand who have found a new way to bring the issue of a decreasing elephant population to the notice of the population - the Jumbo Queen contest, an event which searches for the woman who most resembles the country's national symbol, the elephant. Also, a big congratulations to Tarnrarin Chanwasang, the winner.

And don't think this was a one-issue affair. Apparently, in previous years the event has also honoured Thailand's economic collapse and the intervention of the International Monetary Fund. A 'Miss IMF' was handed out, with IMF standing for 'I'm Fat'. And of course, the event has served to reinforce positive body image, with the slogan 'Fat is Beautiful'.

It strikes me that maybe this is where we are going wrong in Australia in raising the country's consciousness. Where is the 'Miss Ozone Layer' contest (picture that, if you dare)? The 'Miss Humane Processing of Asylum Seekers'?

Excuse me. I'm off to start the 'Miss Credible Opposition Party'. It will be judged on how different you look from the other contestants.

(Separated at birth? ~~Not so much~~ You be the judge!)

Would you let this man run a country?

2005-09-16T11:28:00.000+10:00

Until yesterday, I thought the Onion article suggesting that Bush had nominated a foetus for the Supreme Court was great satire, but far-fetched.

Until this. This is a photo of a note written by George W. Bush to Condoleezza Rice during a UN meeting (where he was presumably making decisions about the fate of the free world). If you can't read it, it says 'I think I may need a bathroom break? Is this possible?'

The first question mark is, admittedly, quite plaintive - or would be if the note was from a seven year old. BUT!!!! He doesn't even know whether he needs to go to the toilet. And someone has put this man in charge of weapons of mass destruction. And other stuff.

The appropriate use of email

2005-09-11T20:46:00.000+10:00

After the torrid email scandals of the last fortnight, I was heartened and delighted to find that some people still hold the principles of proper email usage close to their hearts.

Tonight, I received an email from the fabulously named Dubiety S. Swaggerer.

It's so good, I am just going to reproduce most of it, with some square bracketed comments.

Need Extra Income? Lack money?
[I hadn't realised these were two different categories til now]
New opportunities for you - today!
[No time like the present!]
[Insert name of organisation] invites you to cooperation.
[I like the thought that cooperation is a place.]
-you are responsible and accurate
[I wish it were so. Irresponsible and sloppy. But moving along ...]
-you can work without a supervision
[Not just a supervision! I work without any supervision!]
-you are from 18 till 70 year old
[Not sure if this means: 1) you are grimly clinging to late adolescence til senescence is indisputable or (2) you are older than 18 and grow 70 year olds in your fields, but whichever way, I subscribe.]
-you have free time (2-4 hours daily)
[I can make time for this opportunity]
-you have basic Internet knowledge and access to a computer with internet connection.(e-mail access) -you have an idea of bank transfers and money payment systems operations -you have Western Union/MoneyGram in your city
[Yup. This is where my interest was sparked.]
This is your chance:
-no experience necessary!
[Excellent!]
-no financial risk!
[Sensational!]
-no charge for introduction!
[To whom?]
-the job we offer is related to email, it is an easy job which doesn't require leaving your main occupation!
[Excellent, my employers will weep for joy that I can participate in Nigerian email scams and hold down my day job]
Contact us, your job is waiting for you!
[If only my fingers could type as fast as my imagination has taken me to my glorious new life as an internet hoaxer!]
If you are intrested in the job please fill in this form and send it to [insert email address here].

That's all really, the rest just asks for my CV (and, sweetly, 'Some words about you'). They also ask, quite nicely:

Please send your application forms to [insert email address here] only!

Clearly, there is hot competition for people with email access, little to no experience, and ready access to Western Unions and Moneygrams.

If I don't blog for a while, you'll all understand why. I am off to start my brilliant career.

Maybe they could make some nice biscuits?

2005-09-07T10:26:00.000+10:00

Of course the immigration officials involved in the wrongful deportation of Australian Vivian Alvarez shouldn't testify at the parliamentary inquiry into the affair. Damn straight it might lead to a breach of natural justice, which as we know has always been the lodestar of DIMIA. Also, they are too busy wrongfully deporting other asylum seekers in breach of Court orders.

Still, good to know that Mandy is right behind the inquiry! "I have indicated my department's commitment to assist the committee in any other way," Senator Vanstone said.

Let's just hope helping out doesn't distract the department from the main game of clapping their hands if they believe in fairies and a fair go, which seems to be the preferred methodology for ensuring that justice is meted out these days.

Out of the mouths of popstars

2005-09-05T18:34:00.000+10:00

Today only, Handcuffed Lightning is being edited by a very special guest, Celine Dion.

Over to you, Celine. No, no. We don't want to hear about the power of love. We are interested in the other stuff you've had to say recently:

"I open the television, there's people still there, waiting to be rescued, and for me it's not acceptable, I know there's reasons for it [the delayed relief effort]. I'm sorry to say I'm being rude, but I don't want to hear those reasons. How come it's so easy to send planes in another country to kill everyone in a second, to destroy lives?"

Leaving aside the interesting question of how many people Celine has trapped inside her television, waiting for her to open it, it is a sad day when the voice of reason comes from a woman hitherto more famous for wearing a tuxedo back to front on purpose.

Dangerous driving and terrorism - linked at last

2005-09-02T17:49:00.000+10:00

I am exceptionally pleased to have been equipped with the new test for identifying suspected terrorists. Major General Lynch, who was justifying the decision to shoot to kill a Reuters journalist as "appropriate", explained the test for novices:

"That car approached at a high rate of speed and then conducted activity that in itself was suspicious. There were individuals hanging outside with what looked to be a weapon. It stopped and immediately put itself in reverse. Again suspicious activity. Our soldiers on the scene used established rules of engagement and all the training received ... decided that it was appropriate to engage that particular car. And as a result of that the driver was indeed killed and the passenger was hurt by shards of glass."

I am just calling the terrorist hotline to let the Government know that my local supermarket carpark is a hotbed of terrorism.

The history wars

2005-08-25T19:10:00.000+10:00

A day after the Prime Minister's summit with Muslim leaders, the Government stepped up its push to get "Australian values" — epitomised, it says, by the Anzac story of Simpson and his donkey — taught comprehensively to Muslim children.

So, Australian values are epitomised by an Englishman who was a deserter, a boozer, a brawler, and a man with an almost congenital inability to follow authority.* I can see why he's an obvious role model for children.

Or maybe Costello is suggesting that we should model ourselves on the donkey.

*Without a doubt, he was also incredibly brave.

Pedantry alert

2005-08-24T17:20:00.000+10:00

I just want to vent about a new and disturbing trend in grammar which MUST STOP NOW (cue Grammar police arising from quiescence to deal with new threat). It is the misuse of inverted commas to indicate emphasis. Now, inverted commas may indicate a direct quote. They often indicate that you are reproducing a statement without vouchsafing the veracity of that statement. THEY DO NOT INDICATE EMPHASIS. And most importantly, they tend to suggest that you don't think the statement you are making is true.

Previously, my favourite example of this trend was:

' "Wedding videos" here ' (which sounds like they are supplying porn).

But recently, a new winner emerged. Someone from my work is getting married. Her secretary has sent an email to the entire company saying:

Just a gentle reminder that the "lovely Annette" is getting married.*

Now, for the sake of clarification, "Annette" is genuinely and indisputably lovely. But the email suggests she's actually the evil stepmother masquerading as Snow White.

Enough, people! "Or I won't be responsible for the consequences."

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

It's always the preverbal ones

2005-08-17T10:45:00.000+10:00

Good to see we are finally focussing our efforts in the war against terror against the really big fish: the eleven month olds.*

Oh, they LOOK innocent, but that's what they want you to think!!!!

(Could this infant be opposed to truth, justice and the American way? Rest assured, the good folk at Washington airport are alive to his plans! They never tire of the fight against terror.)

*And Ted Kennedy. Never trust a Kennedy: subversives, the whole lot of them. Personally, I am mildly suspicious of all ~~political dynasties~~ Democrats.

Colour me sceptical ...

2005-08-16T13:49:00.000+10:00

It's famously said that those who do not understand the past are condemned to repeat it.

I don't understand how Hypercolour happened in the first place (really, sweat does an entirely adequate job of flagposting those areas where your body heat differs to interested onlookers - you don't need to invest in a whole clothing range for the purpose). I just hope this doesn't find me a flagbearer for Hypercolour revival come September.

How far we've come

2005-08-11T09:58:00.000+10:00

I have thought for a long time that the theory of a round earth is just not a satisfying one. Frankly, I'd like to get the idea of a flat earth back on our curricula.

Also, I've been thinking for a while that really, 2 + 2 should equal 5 and it's a shame it doesn't.

Looks like now's a good time to get these issues back on the agenda!

Bring it* on

2005-08-09T20:30:00.000+10:00

And they say kids don't get influenced by what they see on TV. I am very excited to hear that cheerleaders have become the latter day vigilantes of our streets, using their skills to mercilessly hunt down wrongdoers. **

OK, it's not quite Buffy (less bloodletting) but give the kids a chance!

I am just hoping that they train a crack white collar crime squad soon. Gimme an O - gimme an F - gimme an F - gimme an S - gimme an E - gimme a T - gimme an A - gimme an L - gimme a P - gimme an I - gimme an N - gimme an E - what does it spell? Insider trading!

Steve Vizard, sleep with one eye open. You ain't dealing with nancyboys anymo'.

*crimefighting
** In fact, I am so excited I've finally decided to use pictures.

Tell us what you really think

2005-08-05T11:12:00.000+10:00

Some socially minded youngsters have set up getup.org.au, a virtual lobby group to take the place of a balanced senate. Voters can send emails to coalition senators on issues they care about. Very commendable.

But my favourite thing about the 7:30 Report's article on the initiative last night was Liberal backbencher Andrew Robb's response to hearing from voters:

There are hundreds of emails arriving in Senator's officers ... They get back to their office from meetings looking for important communications from whoever, and they're confronted with screen after screen of these emails, in some cases over 200 emails. This is highly irresponsible, this is spam, this is spam.

Representative government at its finest. Remember - to tell Andrew Robb what you think - http://www.getup.org.au/

Young Libs further rethink gender equality

2005-08-04T15:50:00.000+10:00

After passing last week's motion to remove the policies instituted by Robert Menzies which promote gender equality, the Young Liberals have further rethought their policies on women.

An anonymous source from the Toorak branch told us today that a new motion to reverse women's suffrage is under consideration.

"Frankly - it'd require some legislative changes, and maybe a plebiscite, but with a majority in the two houses and Australia on our side, we feel that the time is right" our source said.

"All this business about equality is, frankly, tommyrot. As signalled by the affirmative action motion, political involvement should be on the basis of merit (that's why Mr Downer is where he is today). And on the basis of merit, women are well - inferior. It seems like the logical next step."

Onwards and upwards

2005-08-03T10:48:00.000+10:00

Blogging about the immigration department at the moment feels a little like stealing candy from a baby. Yesterday, the papers revealed that DIMIA revoked prominent Australian architect Harry Seidler's citizenship, notwithstanding the fact that there is no evidence to show Mr Seidler had taken formal and voluntary action to become a citizen of another country. They also managed to renew his passport and stay silent when he was granted the Order of Australia, despite the fact that both require Australian citizenship.

When Mr Seidler's wife asked how it could have happened, an anonymous immigration official had an answer - She said their systems weren't as good as they are now.

I'm glad to know that failing to notify citizens (or anyone else for that matter) of arbitrary revocation of citizenship, deporting Australian citizens who are mentally and physically unfit, and detaining Australian residents in detention centres and jails despite medical recommendations to the contrary are improvements. Who knows what great heights DIMIA might have attained by 2015?

Hoff with his head

2005-08-02T18:32:00.000+10:00

What is with David Hasselhoff? He's spreading faster than Hillsong.

Usually, I don't include pictures because of my inability to master the technology. On this occasion, it is a more deliberate policy. THE WORLD HAS SEEN ENOUGH HOFF. I don't care if it's St Patrick's day, a picture with Schapelle Corby, in jocks, in a bear suit, with dolphins, with eagles, with dry ice, or a game of Hoffopoly - enough already.

My ire has been fostered by the most recent Hasselhoff group email I received (the third this week) - a link to this article, which describes the emergence of 'Hoff walls', where friends meet to pass the time. And as for the quote -

"In too many workplaces today, people are still sitting in their beige cubicles from 9 until 5, spending 90 per cent of their time staring at computers and remain known to others only by their 'output' as opposed to their opinions or elements of their personality."

- Hoff is the new beige!

I am drawing a line in the sand. From now on, if it's not about Ponch and Jon, I'm having nothing to do with it.

Queensland National branch reveals new recruiting campaign

2005-08-01T17:37:00.000+10:00

'Feel like the two party system is a one party system?

Sick of an ineffective Opposition?

Feel like no-one is standing up for civil liberties?

Concerned about the privatisation of important public assets?

Want to ensure the workers get a fair go?

Afraid of the consequences of gutting the unions?

Join the Queensland Nationals to help make sure that they don't sell the farm. And remember - once they vote for you, you've got a mandate!

Barnaby Joyce is living proof that nature abhors a vacuum. The man is singlehandedly out-oppositioning the opposition. And he's only just begun ...

OK, I'm a word nerd, but this sentence is infelicitous

2005-07-31T21:08:00.000+10:00

I am happy to see Amanda Vanstone is looking into the position of refugees, although this paragraph from the Age report concerns me a bit:

Senator Vanstone said she had asked her department to review the incident after complaints from the detainees. "The report substantiates most of the allegations made by the detainees," she said. "This is not acceptable and I expect better."

Maybe new independent investigators are in order?

a lazy post

2005-07-26T17:08:00.000+10:00

I know, I suck and I haven't posted for ages. It's because one of my two day jobs involves harsh corporate environs and sometimes long hours and it's been kinda frantic recently. How dare they, anyone would think they pay me. Also, the state of the world recently is depressing and so I am fresh out of gags.

But being vaguely depressed about (a) the world and (b) my workplace has reminded me of one of my favourite stories about corporate subversion. A friend of mine was a management consultant by day, socialist by night (I am not sure how she squared it with herself, so no point asking) and she figured out a way to amuse herself during her day job. Every time she had to write a recommendation for work, she would entitle it 'What is to be done' .

That's it. Simple, but amusing. Until she got a new boss who'd done politics. He bailed her up one day and said 'I know what you're doing and I won't stand for it. From now on, they are to be called to do lists.'

And so they were.

Never let it be said that words are insignificant things.

Lawyers, Gunns and money

2005-07-18T15:49:00.000+10:00

It seems that Gunns has determined on a cunning new strategy to boost paper sales. First, the company brought an action against 19 defendants in the Victorian Supreme Court. The statement of claim was 216 pages. Gunns claims that a varied assortment of environmentalists and other public figures have conspired to bring it down by means of trespass, defamation and a host of other downright unsportsmanlike activities.*

Then, Gunns decided that it would add some detail and issued a 360 page amended statement of claim to the 19 defendants.

Today, Justice Bongiorno asked Gunns to go back and have another crack at the statement of claim, saying that large chunks of it were either unintelligible or understandable only after careful and painstaking analysis.

Really, Justice Bongiorno can't see the forest for the woodchips. This is clearly an innovative industry strategy by Gunns to fight back against the paperless office by stimulating demand for reams and reams of paper.**

* These activities include allegedly lobbying to prevent Gunns from receiving an environmental award. You can see why the failure to receive the award would be a bolt from the blue. A woodchipping company not recognised for its environmental achievements? What's this country coming to!
** Really, Gunns should get an award for its ~~efforts in expanding the boundaries of literary absurdism~~ enterprise in coming up with this idea.

The gall of those Gauls!

2005-07-14T15:03:00.000+10:00

I swear this will be my only contribution to the Katie-Tom train wreck, but I notice that a French government official has just coined a new term for Cruise - apparently he's a sect-symbol. It's not quite up there with the Petrosexual, but gold nonetheless.

Would you throw your underwear at these men?

2005-07-11T13:29:00.000+10:00

I have just read the most disturbing article. It indicates that the Wiggles are being love-bombed by sex starved yummy mummies all over the US.

Now, I understand that there is long standing precedent for unlikely candidates in the entertainment industry to become hot hot tamales (Rod Stewart anyone?). And in fact, this development could be seen as a kind of belated affirmative action on the part of the mothers whose husbands took to watching u-18 TV during the whole Sophie Lee - "What's up doc?" debacle of the early 90s.*

But surely there must be other stars of children's TV who are better equipped to play the role of reluctant sex symbols than the hapless four. Mr Squiggle (all of those Cyrano gags could be re-aired)? Fossie Bear? Any other nominations gratefully accepted.

In the mean time, I am just off to see who they've got presenting play school these days. They're so good with their hands ...

* I just googled Sophie Lee, and that was, apparently, the name of the show. I am not sure the double entendre is unintentional.

Charity begins at home

2005-07-10T21:26:00.000+10:00

While we're in the mood to offer funding to pay for medical and other expenses not covered by insurance to Australians stranded overseas, I believe Vivian Alvarez Solis is still languishing in the Philippines.*
And while we're on the topic of foreign relations, the decision to appoint Farmer ambassador to Indonesia is an intriguing one. His track record at DIMIA doesn't invite confidence in his ability to deal with people from other countries (or hell, even people from Australia).

*nb. I laud the decision to look after Australians in London, I just think we should be slightly more consistent in our foreign policy.

Oh, is THAT what it's about?

2005-07-07T17:26:00.000+10:00

In one of my favourite news snippets from today, Reggie and Chrissie from BB'03 have begged viewers to turn off the current season's Big Brother.

Chrissie encapsulated the spirit of Big Brother Past:

"My housemates were polite, considerate people who made the show more about platonic relationships and how to get along, which I think is the real spirit of Big Brother. "

There I was thinking it was:

1) a bizarre social experiment in getting a lot of good looking people locked up and half boozed and keeping them that way so that the whole world could (a) mock them mercilessly and (b) have dark nights of the soul about how they might measure up in the same situation (presumably repeated for reasons of scientific rigour);

2) a marketing bonanza; and/or

3) the career opportunity of a lifetime for Ms Killeen.

Just goes to show how wrong you can be.

Clashes with riot police reported at G8 summit

2005-07-07T17:05:00.000+10:00

In an incident that hasn't got nearly the media coverage it deserves, it appears George Dubya was involved in a violent fracas with a policeman on security duty at the G8 summit. Bush rode at the policeman at full speed, causing the man's hospitalisation. It is unclear from reports whether security has been increased to deal with a potential insurgency by the world's leaders.

Government's plans revealed

2005-07-06T09:34:00.000+10:00

In the latest twist on the Schapelle Corby drama, a spokesperson from the Government told reporters today that if Corby's appeal was unsuccessful, the Government would seek to arrange an exchange of prisoners which would allow her to serve out the rest of her sentence in the Big Brother Compound.

'Consistent with our policy of foreign intervention, this is a strategic decision which serves a number of purposes' said the spokesperson. 'Of course, we all want to see justice done here. But more importantly, we think that Corby's presence may clean up Big Brother's act'.

Liberal backbenchers, who have been vocal critics of the show's latest season (citing licentiousness and debauchery) are said to be cautiously in favour of the plan. Channel 10 has also expressed its approval. Representatives of the other stations were not available for comment.

Music can change the world (and sell coffee)

2005-07-04T13:29:00.000+10:00

Bob Geldof, the mastermind behind Live 8 (and Big Brother) told the world this week that:

Mahatma Gandhi freed a continent, Martin Luther King freed a people, Nelson Mandela freed a country. It does work. They will listen.

In the meantime, another Bob, famous for telling us:

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled

has entered into a sponsorship deal with Starbucks. Yes, the grand-daddy of political pop, Bob Dylan has gone to the dark side.* It's sad to see the day.

* This was foreshadowed by John Howard's enthusiastic endorsement of Bob Dylan - he said he liked his voice rather than the lyrics. This suggested an aptitude for comic genius previously undreamed of in our fearless leader (as did his nomination of Beds are Burning as his favourite Midnight Oils song).

Dennis bows out of wife carrying championships

2005-07-04T12:39:00.000+10:00

In an update on an earlier post, it appears that Dennis Rodman decided not to compete in the wife carrying championships, citing no wife and a bad back. He did present the prize, though. Estonian man Mr Uusorg won the mobile phone and his partner's weight in beer. He used the 'trademark Estonian carry'.

News Mash-up

2005-07-01T10:46:00.000+10:00

Sometimes, it's like news editors get sick of the same old story, pick up two major items in the news, cut and paste them together. The possible appearance of Michael Jackson at Live 8 is one of those times. It's like one of those irritating maths problems from school, where two journalistic trains are coming in opposite directions one the same track, one at 180 kph and one at ... well, you get the picture.

Together at last - a diabolical alliance*

2005-06-29T17:59:00.000+10:00

I love pay-TV head Paul Colichman's description of the demographic for his video-on-demand gay satellite channel:

Colichman said more than 30 per cent of his viewers were straight -- a figure he says includes feminists and liberals sick of the way women are portrayed in the mainstream media, and straight men who will watch anything about lesbians.

* I was going to call this strange bedfellows, but it was just too cheesy.

Cruel and unusual punishment

2005-06-27T20:14:00.000+10:00

In late breaking news, it seems that interrogators at Guantanamo Bay are using the collected volumes of Harry Potter to force confessions from suspects.

Surely judicious use of Dan Brown would be more efficacious?*

Shock News: Ruddock lacks faith in US military courts

2005-06-27T18:13:00.000+10:00

"I am not on the face of it, without being satisfied, prepared to allow the matter to go without further inquiry, and that's where it stands," Mr Ruddock told ABC radio.
"I don't know what the status of any statements made to the investigator is."
"I don't know what weight is put to them. I don't know how they test credibility."
...
But the more substantial issue was whether or not justice had been done, he said. *

Justice might not be done by US military courts? Say it ain't so, Mr Ruddock. I hope (despite the evidence to the contrary) that the Australian Government will take every opportunity to ensure that David Hicks will receive a fair trial.

*Ruddock's comments on the US military court decision which acquitted two Marines of the charge of stabbing a Queensland man.

The pitch

2005-06-24T15:38:00.000+10:00

(Interior: Film Production Company. Daylight.)

MOVIE HEAD HONCHO: OK, so if I follow your drift, this young, beautiful Australian girl has been convicted by an Indonesian court of smuggling a large amount of marijuana under hazy circumstances. She's represented by a relatively inexperienced Indonesian lawyer - also young, female, good looking. A young, attractive millionaire businessman acts as her white knight, funding her defence. There's some evidence that maybe it's a conspiracy involving criminal elements and she's the innocent pawn. It's a little bit Broke Down Palace , a little bit Bangkok Hilton, but I like where you're going here. Keep talkin'.

EAGER SCRIPTWRITER: Well, then on appeal, she hires an Indonesian starlet to proclaim her innocence to the Indonesian people ...

MOVIE HEAD HONCHO: Mm-hmmph, a little bit of a distraction from the main plot, but hey, could add some interest.

EAGER SCRIPTWRITER: Her mother and the white knight start a public feud. The mother claims that the white knight is profiteering from his involvement and has demanded repayment of the money. And oh - the white knight proves to be a bankrupt.

MOVIE HEAD HONCHO: (First shade of doubt) Well, now I don't know about that - that's sending some mixed messages!

EAGER SCRIPTWRITER: (Not brooking interruption) And then her Australian defence team accuse her Indonesian defence team of asking the Australian government for $500,000 to bribe the Indonesian court. The Indonesian defence team fights back, claiming that this is a set-up and our girl is a sacrificial lamb in a plot to improve Australian-Indonesian relations.

MOVIE HEAD HONCHO: (Firmly) Well hey now, I've heard enough. Suspension of disbelief is all well and good, but good god, you have to maintain some semblance of reality. And what are you writing here - a drama? A political thriller? Clearly there's no romance. I suggest you go back to scriptwriting 101 and don't come back here til you can give me a plot with credibility. And maybe a decent love interest.

EAGER SCRIPTWRITER: But ... But ...

MOVIE HEAD HONCHO: (roaring) ENOUGH! Get out.

Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction.

'The Brad Pitt of Parliament'

2005-06-23T15:47:00.000+10:00

John Anderson has stepped down as leader of the Nationals, citing a benign prostrate condition (although a rioting back bench, pressure over the Telstra sale and the sticky question of what to do about the drought can't have helped).

www.news.com.au, always at the forefront of investigative journalism* has come to the rescue with an in-depth piece and a photo-gallery of Anderson's time as deputy. The photo-gallery is actually far funnier than anything I can think of to say about it. Half-political eulogy, half-Hasselhoff-ian in its recording of the many moods of John Anderson, I am still not quite sure whether it's satire or serious. I exhort you all to check it out. But here are some spoilers:

1) It's entitled 'The Brad Pitt of Parliament'

2) The accompanying article has a ringing endorsement from a constituent:

"He's done an all right job ... my family all think he's good and I find him all right."

Churchill could hardly ask for more.

3) I've reproduced my favourite picture below for your delectation.

It's accompanied by the text:

Photogenic ... Never having had his eyes set on the Prime Minister's office, Mr Anderson was free to put himself in some positions other politicians could never dare. / News Limited picture

Can those wags at www.news.com.au possibly be saying what I think they are saying?

*sorry - second, after Ray Martin.

On mortality

2005-06-22T15:51:00.000+10:00

I didn't subscribe to the mass outpouring of grief that accompanied the death of Pope JPII. In fact, I was a little perplexed by the moniker 'the rock'n'roll' Pope' that was posthumously applied to him (rock'n'roll by way of Creed is all I can say).

But I am a little bit sad about the death of Cardinal Sin. Partly because of his activities in standing up against oppressive governments, not at all for his position on birth control, but mostly because with him dies one of the greatest puns ever made by the Catholic church.

Dazed and confusing

2005-06-21T10:54:00.000+10:00

Which is worse - to be popularly attributed as the real life inspiration for a famous fictional character, or to have your light shine under a bushel? The question has been posed by new wave of litigation based on popular films.

I can understand Linklater's schoolmates suing him - after all, it must get kinda irritating when people are constantly hailing you as a counter cultural hero instead of recognising your stellar achievements as a used car salesmen, construction worker or IT geek.

But it's a little more difficult to see where Anne Hiltner is going with her claim that she is the real Annie Wilkes. After pondering it for some time, the only plausible explanation I can come up with is that she's planning to open a new rehab centre/ writer's retreat with a bootcamp style mantra (no excuses, no apologies!) and wants to cash in on her fame.

A clean bill of health

2005-06-20T19:56:00.000+10:00

So, the man with the dubious distinction of being Australia's longest held detainee, Peter Qasim, may be eligible for release under the new bridging visa subject to 'health and character checks'.

Ms Vanstone suggests that these checks might take a little while (and after all, it's perfectly understandable that the Government would need some extra time to get a handle on those issues after having Mr Qasim in detention for - oh - seven years). It's unclear to what extent the psychiatric trauma experienced by Peter Qasim during his time in detention (he is presently being treated at Glenside psychiatric hospital in South Australia) will be relevant to those health checks.

But hell, at least our borders are safe from 'unauthorised entrants'.*

* remember kids, don't call them refugees! You can get into real strife using emotive language like that. Stick to words like 'queue jumpers' - neutral, factual and descriptive.

The best man for the job

2005-06-17T10:54:00.000+10:00

The Victorian Government has established a Human Rights Consultation Committee, to consider whether Victoria should have a Charter of Human Rights, what it should protect, and whether there are other ways human rights can be better protected as part of our democracy.

So far, so worthwhile.

There's a little spiel on the website under 'Who Are the Committee' about the committee members. It's pretty much what you'd expect. Then, we come to the third committee member:

Andrew Gaze

Andrew Gaze is a well known and very popular basketball player. He is the most decorated basketball player in Australia. His achievements include being voted the Greatest National Basketball League player of the last 25 years by his peers; participating in five Olympic Games including selection as the flag bearer and Team Captain of the Sydney 2000 Olympic team and winning the 1999 United States National Basketball Association Championship with the San Antonio Spurs.

Man, I'm glad we have him on our team! With credentials like that, I feel safe from hunger and homelessness already.

a wrong turn down wrong and broken street to wrongville

2005-06-17T09:43:00.000+10:00

some random Friday thoughts about things that are just not quite right:

- The methodology used to identify our best and brightest for the purpose of bestowing Australia's highest honour.

- The reasons given by jurors in explaining their verdict on the Jackson trial:

"I disliked it intensely when she snapped her fingers at us. That's when I thought, don't snap your fingers at me lady!"*

- The word ethnic, used as a noun.** This story came from a friend of mine, who worked at quite a nice cafe. One day this lady called up because she'd found a hair in her cake. She said to my friend:

"I'm not quite sure how to say this - but [in a confiding tone] do you have any ethnics working for you?"

- The discrepancy between the actual v dictionary meaning of the word moist. It is difficult to put your finger on why, but moist is one of the dirtiest words in the English language. I have verified this observation with a lot of people, who all agree. Unless you wanted to (a) bring a level of innuendo to a conversation which is otherwise absent or (b) sexually harass people in a subtle way, there is no way you'd ever say, for example "Gee - it's shaping up to be a moist weekend".

* Thanks to Jo from Freeway 9, who pointed out that this seemed like kind of an odd reason to acquit.
** Generally speaking, ethnic seems to be used in a vaguely pejorative way (think: ethnic tensions). But the adjectival form tends to be slightly less offensive.

How to run a detention centre, part II

2005-06-15T09:01:00.000+10:00

Leave the fox in charge of the henhouse.

Imagine the possibilities!

2005-06-14T15:36:00.000+10:00

No-smoking aids and prosthetic toupees are all very well. But when will Warnie cut to the chase and endorse a mobile plan*? Imagine the synergy!

* NB: I understand Warnie has actually given up the mobile, so he might need to consider extolling the virtues of a paging service instead ...

A word of warning to all would be Jedis

2005-06-10T12:35:00.000+10:00

In his mea culpa on Letterman, Russell Crowe said:

"Obviously when I react to something it has a greater effect, apparently, 'cos it's the Gladiator, getting pissed off."

On that line of reasoning, you really wouldn't want to pick a fight with James Earl Jones.

Guantanamo Bay: A haven for refugees

2005-06-08T17:26:00.000+10:00

Finally, an article that tells it like it really is in Guantanamo Bay.

Two months ago, the Pentagon pledged to free 15 men who have been cleared of being 'enemy combatants'. They're still there, purportedly because the United States is concerned about the treatment they may receive in their home countries. The Pentagon won't provide the nationalities or names of the 15 men, or identify a specific country where torture is a concern.

But don't worry - these guys are having a fine old time. Pentagon spokesman, Air Force Major Michael Shavers, reassures us that the 15 men have been segregated from the general inmate population and placed in a lower-security area that:

"allows them a communal style of living with shared
living and dining areas, and unlimited recreation time"

Do you reckon they take holiday bookings?

Rubbery figures

2005-06-07T09:11:00.000+10:00

Rules for getting ahead in the public service:

It's OK to impound mentally ill people as illegal immigrants when you suspect they might be Australian citizens (along with political refugees).

It's OK to deport Australian nationals.

But for heaven's sake, don't fiddle with the footy tipping - that might breach the Australian Public Service Code of Conduct and its edicts about upholding the values, integrity and good reputation of the public service.

Advance Australia Fair!

Inside Dennis Rodman's head

2005-06-03T14:33:00.000+10:00

Imagine you are inside Dennis Rodman's head.

Maybe you miss the press you got in your glory days with Carmen Electra.

So, you decide to attach yourself to some high profile publicity stunt which will hopefully get you some positive press at the same time (well - why not?) making the world a better place.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking.

But you're wrong.

It's 'she ain't heavy, she's my fake girlfriend' for Rodman.

Sheer genius.

The truth is out

2005-06-03T09:38:00.000+10:00

Just as I've always suspected - Nicole is paying people to have her in their movies.

Follow the money

2005-06-02T16:46:00.000+10:00

For the record, I think Felt is a pretty cool guy.

And I don't think it matters whether he acted out of thwarted ambition or civic duty.

But I really hope that the 91 year old, whose memory is described as fading, chose to come forward because of pride, and not out of pressure:

Felt had expressed reservations in the past about revealing his
identity, and about whether his actions were appropriate for an FBI man, his grandson said. According to the article, Felt once told his son, Mark Jr., that he did not believe being Deep Throat "was anything to be proud of. ... You (should) not leak information to anyone.''

His family members thought otherwise, and persuaded him to talk
about his role in the Watergate scandal, saying he deserves to receive accolades before his death. His daughter, Joan, argued that he could "make enough money to pay some bills, like the debt I've run up for the children's education''.

Fashion editors note: you too can fight crime

2005-06-01T17:36:00.000+10:00

It's good to see that our approach to preventing crimes against women has started to re-focus on the issue of appropriate attire. Whether it's skirt lengths or the thickness of your jumpers, it seems that proactive wardrobe intervention really is the answer to every crime wave.